from the library

i've been hanging out in the calvin library all day and am badly in need of a study break. i can only spend so long trying to understand fluid and electrolyte balance before i need a break. it's something i've never understood very well, so studying it is an especially hard (and essential!) task.

i wonder how many hours i have spent in this library. probably not as many as i should have (otherwise i might have a better understanding of fluids and electrolytes)...

today i realized that coming to the library is a bit like going back in time for me. i almost forget that i'm not a student anymore. that i no longer live on the mosaic floor, or at koinonia, or peniel. i have fleeting thoughts of "i should probably head to class soon...". out of habit, i scan the study areas looking for familiar faces despite the fact that almost all of them have moved away. i expect to run into peter somewhere around here because that's just what used to happen.

i never really liked studying at the library. it was too boring, quiet, usually cold, and not a beautiful place. but i think there's a part of it that feels like home to me. i've thought a lot of thoughts in this place, drank a lot of tea and coffee, taken off my shoes here (because it's just easier to study without shoes on), tried to laugh quietly, given and gotten a lot of hugs, taken naps in this place, and even cried here. i never thought i would say that the calvin library is a beautiful place, but today i think that it is.

today

today i...

did the usual AND
made paper
went roller-blading at riverside park
created a mosaic out of modeling clay and colorful beads
for some reason felt inspired to write a book someday
talked to some really nice strangers
got a brand new mattress which i will sleep on tonight

yippee.

a weekend...

...that unfortunately had to come to an end. it was filled with the faces, smiles, hugs, jokes, and laughs of people who i love and usually am missing because they live far away. good conversation, encouragement, and fun remembering fit in there too. it was hard to go back to the normal routine today.

hard to forget

the enormous bouquet of flowers decorating my dining room table, my dress pants folded over my desk chair, the memorial service programs sitting on my coffee table, the photo collage i made for the visitation yesterday... they are all reminders that my grandpa has died.

not that i need reminders...it is not easy to forget what it feels like to be with someone you love when they die. or the awe that comes in being present with someone as they leave this earth and enter into the presence of God. or the relief that comes after watching a faithful follower of Christ transition to eternal life after a month of physical decline.

i am thankful that while it is hard to forget that he died, it is most hard to forget that he lived. and he lived well. many knew him as a pastor, preacher, church leader, author...but i knew him as my dear grandpa. a grandpa who showed me love since i was born, baptized me, wrote prayers for me, made us laugh, and told me over and over again how much he loved me and how proud of me he was.

it is hard to remember that he won't be there when i go to see grandma. that his big chair will be empty. that he won't be a part of family gatherings anymore. that his new book is going to come out in two weeks and he will not be there to hold it in his hands. there is reason for sadness.

there is also reason to rejoice because - as my grandpa knew and firmly believed - "we shall not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed...thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!" (I Cor. 15).

and that's not easy to forget either. but i'm gonna miss my grandpa.